@Kaizykat: I too get springtime seasonal depression. Hold on, Kaizy. *hugs*
I had a LEEP Wednesday. I know, no big deal, stop whining, god I'm so fucking vapid, right? I hurt. I've been running a fever since Wednesday afternoon. I've been experiencing muscle weakness for about a week. I spent most of last night being dragged out to bars and throwing up in bathrooms/crying in bathrooms. No, I didn't drink.
I broke up with my boyfriend via FB message this morning because he just refuses to spend time with me on my terms - he isn't working, just has school and band practice once a week, but can't make time to come see me around my school and work schedule. I'm done.
I'm covered in this weird rash this morning, all around the brow ridge of one eye, and my whole body aches.
I'm so tired... but I'm working nearly 30 hours in the next three days. I'm scared that if I call out (there are three people on vacation this weekend) I'll be fired. So I'm going to work.
Right now I can't see the other side of this weekend.
I was 16 when I met him. Newly introduced to making out with anyone, sexual encounters so far had been strictly groping over clothes and kissing. He was 31 and had, I later found out, a history of doing this sort of thing. He was the son of a friend’s mother’s boyfriend. He had come up to stay with them for some time. I stayed over at my friend’s house after spending an evening out with her and this man, who had flirted with me and made me feel smart and pretty. After my friend fell asleep I went up stairs to where he was staying and talked to him for an hour or so before he somehow managed to get my bra off, suck on my nipples, make out with me, and then shove his penis down my throat. He didn’t orgasm, I almost threw up, and when I worked up the courage to go down stairs again had to return to him once to retrieve my bra.
I told my friend, she told her mother, and they covered it up. I didn’t tell my mother until I was in my 20’s. I stopped talking to my friend within a week of the ~whatever~ it was. Incident. I gained somewhere between 70 and 100 pounds in three years. I started cutting. After I got fat I stopped eating for a while, dropping about 80 – 100 pounds. I’ve since gained most of it back again.
Every year on February 11 or 12th, I remember. I think of him, and the way he tasted, and the smell of pot in the air. I touch the scars on my shoulders and legs. I cry. I yell. I eat a ton of food. Sometimes I get really drunk, or high. I try not to have sex.
This year I forgot about it and did a BDSM scene with my boyfriend. I’m on the verge of breaking up with him now because the emotions that it brought up are too much to bear.
This man has been in and out of my life since the incident. An old roommate was friendly with him and at one point I had basically convinced myself that it wasn’t a negative thing. I almost slept with him, thinking it would make things better somehow. I briefly fantasized about being a couple with him. Nothing I’ve ever felt about him or that moment or the aftereffects has ever made sense to me.
When does this stop hurting?
@Aliawesomefree: I'm stressing over class and work and getting homework and work training done. I've been sliding back into depression and not really motivating on homework,which is causing additional stress because I'm putting things off until the last minute.
I'm also incredibly food insecure right now. What I have in the house has to last me at least until mid next week - I've got *enough* food, but I'm 1) not sure if I'll be able to buy more when it runs out an 2) have no choice/flexibility/enjoyment in what I'm eating. I haven't had milk in two weeks. I have about a tablespoon of peanut butter left. I have rice, beans, kale, pasta, eggs, chicken - and that's it. The lack of flexibility, the lack of being able to just make a sandwich or an omelette or something other than the combinations of food I've been eating for over a month now is starting to make me feel like I'm slipping. To top it off I'm having taste/texture issues - just tossed a bowl of pasta because it smelled strange...
I just feel like I'm slipping away.
@5 ft of fury:therapy parrot : If you think he's going to get violent, pack all your stuff, get it out, and meet him somewhere public. Please.
Other than that, just - yeah, I'd pack everything. I still have stuff at the ex's and we broke up in October. You might not want to go back. He might not want you to come back. Get your stuff out while you can.
Let us know how things go?